Lets just say that the memo made it clear that there WAS going to be a LOT of partying of all sorts. And voila- you're on the coast! (Not the same thing, but my wife had continuing education there and brought me. At work? If you ever felt something was wrong you can tell a bartender, a waiter, a cop, that you need some help. Why? This was not such a culture. Its a him issue. And while anxiety is common, abuse is even more so. My mom believes that her quiet suburban neighborhood and my own are overrun by prowling sex offenders when the sun goes down. We also were both active-duty for the first couple years we were together. w/o massage $45, pools, hot tubs, steam, sauna, nibbles. OPs husband doesnt seem like he would have mentioned it if it didnt support his own opinion. Yes some people are probably going to jump all over me but let's be realistic here. There was no worry about that, my dad trusted her and knew she just needed a little break from being Mom and needed some time being Jane (not her real name) to recharge. Probably he is a reasonable person, perhaps he has an anxiety problem. I had no other work pending and a ton of free time, so what did I do? In summer it doesnt really get properly dark at all, and not until after midnight. I mean seriously? Now that we have been together longer, he has settled down and has learned to trust me. I thought it was supposed to be would NEVER let their significant others go. Its the kind of autocorrect my phone makes; even/never. The only time my husband would object to a business trip of this kind is if I had to fund it myself or if it was a conflict to another event on our calendar (wedding or family vacation). Its probably rooted in a sexist view and I dont know who hes talking to everyone objects to their partners going because thats insane. Thats not out of reluctance to let either one out of their sights, but more because when they have the choice to be together, they will be together, and when its unavoidable, they make do as best they can. You are not alone with this. If you leave it as a well go eventually and never book it, and also never talk about it, things are gonna get worse. You bet a quarter, watch and yell at the fake horses running around in a circle, bet another quarter, repeat. However, she expresses that love with some convoluted discussion about the risk of driving a car 8 miles from our home to downtown. Nope. So this is a relationship question, as Allison and others have said. If I had to plan something like this myself, itd be at the top of my list for a lot of very practical reasons. :). While I was away, he made me upset the whole time with his anxiety of what-ifs and what-nots. Theres no life insurance policy in the world that would substitute for my husbands continued presence in my life and on this planet. Whats real is my wife is going for a walk in a safe area, shes smart and wouldnt put herself in danger, and the chances of anything happening to her are incredibly low. This is part of your JOB. Couples counseling has given us a neutral forum to figure out how to face it together, to help me express how his behavior effects me and our family, and for me to learn how to support him. As a non-gambler I found Las Vegas boring as hell. Yeah. My husband is like this, perhaps to a slightly lesser extent. It seems like almost everyone is misreading this update. Super reasonable! I do know that the way he is handling his concerns is controlling, right down to gaslighting you by saying everyone agrees with him. In THAT case, that is a super not-normal response, and its very strange that theres a whole group of people who support this thinking. I think that couples counseling is the best place to start, no matter what the underlying problem is, because its a relationship problem that hes laying on her. Do the counseling (alone or with him.) This. And his anxiety is HIS to manage, not hers. I understand where youre coming from, but this board sees people from all over the world, and there are still lots of places and lots of religious/cultural environments where patriarchal/masculine control/policing of womens behavior/assuming the worst of women is absolutely the norm, and there are enough of them scattered around everywhere that I dont think its a case of not everyone can have sandwiches.. Im so glad I made that choice. Make sure that appointment is booked. However, Im not sure if this is the crux of the LWs issue since her husband clearly said that he has a problem with the what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas mentality. I think the conversation is worth having. If youre not going during SXSW or Austin City Limits, you can get hotel rooms consistently for less than $200 in Austin. My professional association alternates years between Vegas and Disney for its annual conference because those two places are both great for massive groups of people at a reasonable price. Same. OP, I want to add a data point to counter his everyone agrees with me! comment. Think of it this way if you give in on this to avoid conflict, what will be next? Case in point: my father is terrified of everyone he loves dying and leaving him alone, to the point where I, as a 32 year old, was expected to text him and let him know when I left work, when I got home from work, if I was going out, if I was changing locations, etc. The extent of our excitement is shopping at the outlets, maybe visiting Hershey and watching movies in our PJs. They were lost and just wanted to get back to the station, happened to see one guy had a gun and started cryingwhich caused all the guys to worriedly come over, try to calm them down, then send a guy to escort them personally to the train station. For example, my wife likes to go for walks, and sometimes takes a scenic route while enjoying herself outside (She loves hiking and exploring in nature). Go. So give yourself permission to stop trying, OP. Sorry not sorry. This is truly bizarre and worrying behavior on the husbands part. While I was away, he made me upset the whole time with his anxiety of what-ifs and what-nots. (And I love it when he goes on trips: he likes traveling.) Havent read the comments to see if this is talked about yet, but I feel like religion has a play here I can see uber conservative religions having more problems with this situation than anything else. And not for couples counselling, either she needs to work on strategies to deal with him. But itseems like they want totake things slowly. ), but accommodating him a bit on that is reasonable, in my book and most importantly, has zero to do with his feeling ownership of me or thinking his wishes trump my work demands, and more to do with just wanting to be sure Im safe. I agree with Allison though, this is a situation that requires some heavy duty marriage counseling no matter what. my brain had done, we laughed), but absolutely had that reaction. Youre the breadwinner? There doesnt seem to be a whole lot of recognition of either here. I absolutely dread this. Either theyll know already that it doesnt work that way, or worse, theyll try it and end up handing more ammunition to the husband. Immediate marriage counseling is required and if he wont go, see a counselor yourself. The other possibility is that hes skewing the hell out of the question somehow to make his stance seem more reasonable, like Would you guys be okay with your spouse taking off to Vegas and drinking and partying all weekend for work? I had no problem with it. I never said anything about kiddnaping I had 3 seperate friends get sexually assaulted there. The no Go Fish rule was not present in my home, but I was told to respect the kidss parents whod made that rule and abide by it around those kids, because the rule seemed a reasonable difference between my parents and theirs (rather than wholly bizarre). And dirt cheap which I am guessing is why so many business conferences are set at that location. Companies dont plan things in Vegas to put their employees at risk. I dont know, I think you are underestimating how the Internet has magnified the echo chamber effect. Good luck! Then I realized that he was not being irrational he was worried, and it was not a burden for me just to check in once in awhile, especially if I am on unfamiliar dark roads. My mouth just kept falling wider and wider open. Why doesnt he trust you? Yes its a confusing sentence but I believe the OP comments elsewhere that she wrote what she meant, the people her husband polled WOULD allow their significant others to go. Maybe so, but I know plenty of people who, as JenB says above, have anxiety and dont express it in toxic and gendered ways that were really talking about two problems. Especially if as I suspect he doesnt have a position or isnt in a field where corporate retreats and meetings are a thing. Everyone else said she deserved it! Theyve had a lot of issues actually, and it kind of doesnt work for her. Youre not choosing your career over your marriage when you take three days to sit in a conference hall, for chrissake. I suspect he asked a leading question, something like My wifes company wants to send her to Vegas with a bunch of single guys who like to stay up late drinking. What if the wife had a job that required lots of travel, but paid well and allowed them to live a good lifestyle. Its like Captain Awkward says no matter why youre standing on my foot, you need to stop standing on my foot. Agree counseling would be a good place to start. Just my two cents. I just love when you have the oh you too? moment with strangers on the internet. Street photography! This was my impression as well lodging, food, and entertainment is easy to get in Vegas, and (I would imagine) relatively less expensive than, say, a retreat in Napa. It took getting out (and lots of tears, letting some of the love-roots pull out from my heart with time and distance, and lots of therapy) to realize that he really was some of those things and others he wasnt, but it was irrelevant because he was still hurting me. For sure gamboling DOES occur in Vegas, same as gambling :). A good couples counselor who can handle the individual issues after using the couple-relationship to establish a good rapport with an individual who is resistant to treatment in a traditional one-on-one setting is not a bad way to start tackling these issues, and has the added bonus of giving the OP an opportunity to select a therapist she trusts. Maybe you set a boundary about content, and tell him you only want to talk about good stuff while youre goneI love you, cant wait to see you is OK, Im so worried youll get drugged, raped, and murdered is too much to put on you while youre focusing on work. My associatons annual conference rotates between about six places, and even in big cities like Chicago and Philly we need to use three nearby hotels to have enough meeting rooms and hotel rooms. Its been 12 years for me. Copyright 2007 - 2023 Ask A Manager. Travel tip: if you go into a bar whose name would make Hooters say whoa, too obvious and use your corporate AmEx to cut lines of coke, you are probably going to run into some trouble. This. And honestly he would be the first to say that the breaks when Im away, and he can eat PBJ sandwiches for dinner, are refreshing for him too. I had an ex tell me, just after I left him, that hed checked with his friends and they all agreed with him that I was behaving irrationally and crazily about everything I was upset about and had said was wrong with the relationship. Im going to Vegas and thats the end of discussion. I have a 3 yr old, almost 2 yr old, and 2 month old. Whether or not you go on the trip is secondary. (That started as a joke but I think I might actually be onto something, re: familiar vs unfamiliar crimes and the perceived danger of each.). My husband nearly had to go to Vegas for a conference a couple of months ago (were in the UK so its pretty far!) See a g- d- counsellor. Its fine. couch their controlling tendencies as worry and concern, because they know their victims will want to soothe and appease them, because they are just super nice worry-wart spouses who just really, truly, are so *concerned*. Would he partake in an support of psychological therapy and consoling? It has beautiful trails just minutes outside the city. Its a lot less horrendous than deglove, whats the issue? When I go Im all about getting to as many different and awesome restaurants as humanly possible, and sitting by a pool with a book, when some of my friends go its about the nightlife, when my husband goes its about the sportsbook (this was my long way of saying that I agree with you). Maybe hes wrapping that insecurity in fears of what might happen so he doesnt have to address the real issue. That was plenty for me, for the social experience.). If it was possible to take him along I could see that potentially helping if the main issue is wrong information and assumptions. Both individuals will benefit from communication tools to use in challenging this kind of worry-filled thinking. OP, this is HIS issue, not yours. You could walk up to the bar to order a drink and tell that person you need some assistance and they are on it in seconds. OP, we can all surmise the reasons for his behavior as much as we want to, but this sounds like something you and your husband should work out together in counseling (or separately in counseling, if that appeals more to him.) But theres no letting about it. Dosomething small tobuild trust, and then your relationship will slowly but surely flourish. and a lot to it more than the Strip. Ive gone to Vegas for work and my husband just told me to have a good time and made jokes about what kind of stuff I might get up to while I was there because we knew Id mostly be bored and cranky with the work situation. Somehow everyone turns into a sexual predator after dark. But you dont get to be irrational all over someone else without consequence. I came to say the same thing. That sounds more like a problem with the type of people your employer has hired, as opposed to being a problem with Vegas. Its just Vegas (and Disney) are more designed to keep you inside their controlled, predictable corporate environment so as to better separate you from your money. You can also rent a ballroom or a conference hall for insanely cheap. Scheduled calls are a great idea. Ding ding ding! CES, the Consumer Electronics Show is held there yearly, and is a massive tech conference, millions of square feet of conference space. Unsurprisingly, this is a hard concept for controlling people to grasp; What do you mean, one person can unilaterally end a relationship with no input from the other person? My mom too! Mind you, I never told them that they shouldnt go (did tell my wife at the WTF? We have now been married 5 years and this is a thing of the past. She takes trips with friends, or solo, a few times a year. It made no sense. OP, no idea if my experience is relevant to you or not, but the relationships in which the possibility of me cheating (never in a million years) was raised were the ones in which HE was cheating. Where is he staying. I feel a sudden need to greet my husband at the door tonight and give him a big hug. The kind of overwhelming, intrusive anxiety postulated here is still a control issue, 100%. Close Menu. You go on trips, no one lets you go. Maybe he is just a lazy dude who wants to keep his cash cow working and under his thumb?? *thumbs up, fistbump, etc*, This comment got away from me a bit, Im sorry for that. Either way, the fact that husband is freaking out and polling friends sounds like he, at least, needs to speak with a therapist, and both of you together would be even better to tackle this problem (the problem being his anxiety and the way its impacting your relationship, not the fact you need to travel). 6. Youve put your finger on one of the things bugging me most about this: the idea that the LW has no agency. As someone in the convention industry, Vegas puts a LOT of effort into being a top convention destination (low cost, lots of large all-in-one spaces, lots of options for event entertainment), and pretty much every industry will have events that rotate through there. P.S., you forgot to shill The Gift of Fear.. OP, I really hesitate to use the word abuse when it comes to anyone elses relationship, but this post is giving me bad flash backs to a boyfriend who did this kind of thing to me all the time and I now know that it was psychological, emotional abuse and manipulation. Refusing to go on this trip is highly unlikely to save your marriage. The thing is, by continuing to comply with his increasingly erratic demands for check-ins, he came to expect them anytime he wanted them so if I went to a movie with friends and didnt tell him, Id come out to literally 30 texts wanting to know where I was. Charleston. They are readily available and heavily marketeda sudden whim or fancy could be a reality very quickly. I just knew I was so unhappy and was starting to hate myself (but that was me! Ehhh, I actually dont see so much wrong with friends weighing in on aspects of ones relationship when a friend comes to me and says, This is something thats happening in my relationship, would you call that problematic? I definitely dont say, Its none of my business! I give them my read of the situation, just as they do for me. OP, go on the trip. Agree with the high level of security even on the streets. Well, okay, then, if your mom says so!. My take is that the uptick is in reporting and discussion, not the behavior itself. In fact, couples counseling can be a useful path to helping a partner address individual issues that are affecting the partnership. If something written is thought to mean the opposite of what it says that is not reading, it is MISreading. 2 junio, 2022; google load balancer path prefix rewrite; how much does it cost to join peninsula yacht club . No constant phone calls/other distractions.) You know, because men never get kidnapped or roofied. In either case, I should have ended it. Vegas has more hotel rooms than any other city in America, and regular flights to an airport located in the city from every other major city in the country. OP, go on your trip, focus on what youre there to do, and for those couple days at least, dont worry about how your husband is feeling about it. I strongly suspect it is not actually about Vegas, but perhaps a trip full of family friendly activities there could solve his issue if it is, in fact, about Vegas. He was there for a conference, and she was there for a bachelorette party. Its a lot different than when I first went in 1989, but even then it was quite suitable (ideal, actually) for a business conference. Exactly. Pricey, but worth it! Thoughts? Also accusing someone of cheating so you have to surveil them is right out of the abuser handbook. A few years back my older sister went to LV on a business trip with others. Youre an adult, OP! I do think the OP should be cautious and watch for other signs of controlling behavior/abuse, but if this is an aberration (and she says above that it is), I dont think the what happens in Vegas is enough to shift it for me. And he wouldnt like it either, wed be heading down to the pool and see people going to conferences and feel sorry for them that they had to spend the day inside while we sat in the sun with a mojito. But please ask yourself if this is an isolated incident, or if there have been other times when your husband has expressed this kind of feeling when you go out with friends for dinner, is it less likely that youll be kidnapped somehow? Id also check out books such as When Panic Attacks and How to Stop Worrying and Start Living Life. Or maybe its anxiety fueling a control issue, but I highly doubt that anxiety treatment will help. Mom freaked out, but fortunately for me, my Dad was there to help and reassure her AND wed had enough family counseling after my teenage years that I knew how to set boundaries. Read: how could he know I was where I said I was? And you will regret it even more if your marriage ends and you put yourself in a worse position just to appease irrational fears. If your husband is really giving you a choice between staying married to him and going on a business trip, the answer may be difficult to face, but hes giving you a clear choice: You can live your life on his terms, with the threat of divorce hanging over your head if you participate in public and professional life in a way that displeases him, or live your life on your terms. Our daughter will be three months Old and she always falls asleep in the car. Whats more surprising is that youre the main provider. So its not like its all new. ^ +1000, this was the most mind-boggling to me as well. Thats it. Many of my colleagues bring their spouse on conferences as a mini vacay for the fun of exploring new cities. Is this the only thing he gets so on-edge about? Yes, they pay for his airfare and, if necessary, the difference in the hotel room rate and they dont spend that much time together, but they spend *some* time together and are at least getting to see each other for some part of the day.). You cannot have a rational discussion with someone who is in an irrational state. My husband still asks sometimes if hes allowed to go do things, like go to the pub with his friends without me, and it irks me because even though I know hes joking I dont like that he even pretends that I am a stereotypical ball and chain. But it was a pain in the ass to get there, I felt super unsafe walking around at night (as in, someone else from the conference actually got muggedthere were few street lights and the streets were deserted after dark), and the food sucked. The letter writer is inquiring about whether or not she should DTMFA someone who drumroll has clearly already broken up with her. Vegas is one of the cheapest options with the best meeting facilities. Of course, they can be bothbut then IMHO, that boils down to controlling anyway. If your husband has never traveled for business, and hasnt traveled much in his personal life, and his friends have similar life experiences, then its no wonder that hes created this scenario where all that happens in Vegas is affairs and crimes. You would have to go out of your way to find a casino, a lavish bar with topless entertainment, or an escort service. Co-worker had a wonderful time. It is obvious that anyone who says that has never been here, because there arent even that many people who are obviously Muslims living here. And I do like some gambling. And Id highly recommend that book to the OP, so she can try to tease out for herself whether shes just got an insecure, underemployed husband, or one whos using jealousy as a control mechanism, at least in part so that he may remain comfortably underemployed. You need a pro to help you guys sort out this tangle and see where to go from here in a way that doesnt actively sabotage your career because of his irrational behavior.