Closure, like forgiveness, is something you do for yourself. September 8, 2022 by Zan. One such conundrum hits us when our exes come back after no contact and we are clueless about how to respond. You should be able to talk to whoever you want, but keeping your partner informed in this regard is wise. I was tired of her treating me badly subtly, so I unfriended, deleted, and we stopped talking a few months. Every relationship ends differently and there is no strict rulebook to follow when it comes to dealing with an ex contacting you years later. Often, urges to contact an ex may come up at the end of an unhealthy relationship and not for healthy ones. When were scared, we long for the familiar, and right now, many of us are afraid or concerned in ways that we havent been before ever in our lives. My ex has reached out to me a handful of times over the last 15 years. I wouldnt bother replying to an ex who dumped me years ago, even if Im unattached. Many exes contact their previous partners years later. Its up to you, but she is married, after all. But they happen anyway., and you are left with no other choice than to face the aftermath. The 2 Most Psychologically Incisive Films of 2022, The Surprising Role of Empathy in Traumatic Bonding, How a Stronger Body Can Transform Your Identity, Two Questions to Help You Spot a Clingy Partner-to-Be. Thank you Zan for your perspective. TL;DR: Yes, because our break-up needed closure. When your ex girlfriend reaches out after a long time of no contact, the emotions come back, old passions flare, and your brain starts spinning around wondering what the heck you should do. A whopping 62 percent of married folks in her study wound up having an affair with their ex even though they didn't reach out to them with any such plan in mind. The important thing to remember is to be honest. There may be many reasons when an ex contacts you years later or out of the blue. After 6 months of balance to initiation of conversation, she stopped getting in touch. When they meet up with their ex years later, they come to the same conclusion and decide to get back together. The only way to stop overthinking in this situation is by either ignoring the message or giving a very indifferent response, which basically screams out that your ex doesnt matter to you anymore. Its easy to indulge an ex when you still have lingering feelings toward them. I feel a lot better then I did then knowing the what ifs., I'm sorry she did not get back to you, I understand wanting to heal a friendship. You may hold beliefs about anger, such as: Nice . He also had trust issues before we got together. By reaching out, they determine whether their ex hates them, likes them, loves them, respects them, or feels neutral about them. For a person who has been dumped in a relationship, no contact offers that much-required time and space for healing. AM, has an ex ever reached out to you years later? How did the - Reddit I've talked to him a few times and it just seemed like he needed to remember happy times for a bit. Most people spend their lives seeking perfection in a partner only to realize that there is no such thing as perfection. Wish him good luck. There is no pretentious behavior, and they are comfortable with each other. I saw my ex post on a facebook page I was a group in. You are not the first one to deal with this adverse state of affairs. A year and a half is a long time to not speak to an ex. Apparently he had heard a rumor that I had found out I was pregnant after we broke up and had aborted the baby. You're finally feeling like yourself again and putting yourself back out there, when, like clockwork, your ex reaches out to you. Until that happens, you dont do anything. ETA: He's the one who dumped me. Its not one-sided either, they both feel the same way. My husband gave me the grace to get extremely needed closure with him. It creates so much confusion because your ex's actions are conflicting. This isnt the time to look for alternative sources of happiness. What do you intend to do now that your ex contacted you? When An Ex Contacts You Years Later THIS Is What It Means A part of me feels like I need to give him closure and I'm not sure how? Even if I couch them in "we didn't know any better, but you did X"? But instead of telling yourself something like, My ex contacted me after 2 years and Im starting to think they have genuinely changed, try to take a minute to assess the whole situation. I do not want to interrupt her life now and do not want to reopen any wounds. I'd been warm and affectionate with him, but except during sex (we were each others first), I never said I loved him. So yes, exes come back years after the breakup. Each relationship has its own unique conclusion. You're Finally Over Your Ex (then they reach out) @Susan Winter I stopped going to the club in case they came again. We dont sign up for certain catastrophes in life. Bye." Chapter closed. Seeing your ex after a long time might effectively spell doom for your present relationship if you just assume your partner will be fine with this. Youve probably told your partner all about your ex, and why you broke up. As if you both needed a reason to get even more heavily chemically attached to each other. If the relationship ended bad, let's say cheating involved or constant arguing while together I'd say let it lay and don't bother. You gave her a chance and she blew it. I dont think there is a deep hidden meaning here. Instead, it was their feelings about their ex and about the breakup that predicted contact: People were more likely to communicate with exes they still had feelings for. 10 reasons why exes reach out after months of silence 1) They didn't process the breakup after it happened To you, the relationship might feel like old news. With the help of consultant psychologist Jaseena Backer (MS Psychology), who is a gender and relationship management expert, lets figure out what you can do to cope with this mysterious text your ex has sent. Shes blocked me off everything , moved twice now. Also, a Caffeine headed individual whose day consists of bouts of contemplation about life and afterlife. Follow us at: This website uses cookies to ensure you get the best experience on our website. How To Reach Out To An Ex-boyfriend Or Ex-girlfriend? Even if I couch them in "we didn't know any better, but you did X"? When an ex contacts you years later, how you take it, how you feel about it, and how you react to it will all pretty much depend on how well you have healed from it, says Jaseena, If the ex had exited without closure or ghosted you, youre probably going to be in a whirlwind of emotions when you receive this text. Until you reach 41 weeks, your provider may not do anything unless there are problems. I think youre right. Is there any ulterior motive? He was understanding and glad to know I am happy. Its like comfort foodmac-and-cheese may not be haute cuisine and it may not reflect what our normal menu offers, but it brings back images of childhood and safety and security. They return because their life doesnt go according to plan, so they remember their exes and use them as a backup plan. On a bitter note, they couldnt handle the happy, successful life you are leading. Your mental peace certainly comes before they rant to you about their workload and unmet marital fulfillment. When a toxic and/or abusive ex-partner reaches out or asks to stay friends, they're most likely looking to ensnare you back into the unhealthy dynamic that made the relationship lethal in the first place. Talking to an ex after years can haunt you with memories, so buckle up. Its not that people want their ex to suffer, per se, its that they may feel a sick ego boost when comparing their progress after your breakup to their own. Exes dont always want to get back together after reaching out. I fessed up about the hiding incident, much to my embarrassment, lol. Listen, the messages are very casual and kind of nice but I really don't feel like I have anything in common with this person, it would never occur to me to message him. Maybe your ex has actually stopped being an emotionally abusive person. Most people go through lifehidingparts of their character because theyre afraid of being judged. reg-o-matic 5 yr. ago After close to 20 years, my ex wife reached out to apologize. Before we talk about what to do when an ex reaches out after no contact, we need to discuss what "after" means. 2010 The Thought & Expression Company, LLC. Honestly, I have never found that sentiment to be true. If an ex suddenly reaches out after 10 - 15 years and you're - Quora 8 Things To Do When Your Ex Contacts You Years Later, 4. 2021 now (keep in mind weve known each other since we were 6, now 22) Stopped talking in 2019 cause I screwed a lot up being a bad friend (during the aftermath she was too. Her requirements werent clear and she wanted me to make suggestions about what to do, but her first question was: I dont know if you want us to go back to before, where we are living in separate places?. Hd01_1080p___ - Don't immediately reply and take some time to think it over to figure out what you ultimately want out of this interaction. ). A voice can calm us down and we can catch so much more meaning when listening to anothers inflection, tone, rate of speech that texts will never allow even with the latest set of emojis! This goes double if you had a true friendship at the center of your bond. 2 Take a moment to work through how you feel before replying. In one job interview, he is asked to name the most significant world event in the last ten years. Perhaps you thought youd completely moved on, but their message reminds you of all the good times that you didnt even know you had buried away. I tried so much to get her to stay but ended up hurting myself really badly in the process as she was my first so I really wanted it to work. This reminds us that whatever the threat is that were facing, it can be overcome. Click to share on Facebook (Opens in new window), Click to share on Twitter (Opens in new window), Click to share on LinkedIn (Opens in new window), Click to share on Reddit (Opens in new window), Click to share on Pinterest (Opens in new window), Click to share on Telegram (Opens in new window), Click to share on WhatsApp (Opens in new window), My Ex Is With Someone Else But Still Contacts Me, decide if you want to be friends with your ex, They return because their life doesnt go according to plan, what to do when your ex contacts you years later, when an ex boyfriend contacts you years later, when an ex girlfriend contacts you years later, When A Guy Cries At The Thought Of Losing You. They could have seen something on social media and became unable to stop thinking about you. Maybe theyve spent the past couple of years thinking about how perfect you were together and that they havent had a better relationship since. Minor inconveniences in their way or temptations to commit infidelity can drift two lovers apart in a jiffy. If your ex just suffers and impulsively runs back to you, your ex might not reflect long enough to discover your worth. Its been several years since you broke up with your ex, and theyve assumed youve got over what happened. Go away. Ex Reached Out After No Contact - Magnet of Success The first time was about 6 months later. Sometimes, the ex comes back with a text to just check in on you. Thank you for being you. I have no idea what to do. Reaching Out to Old Flames and Former Friends - Psychology Today Heartbreak Burnout. Throw out an invitation to hang out in a super low-key environment. If so, remember what you said and keep your word, because going against it will only cause problems between the two of you. In other cases, receiving a text from an ex can immediately bring up feelings of annoyance, dread or even fear particularly if the relationship was a toxic and unhappy one that you want distance from. I understand someone might just want a quick chat. Reaching out to an ex years later can play out in one of two ways, you either connect with each other again or nothing good comes of it. Your ex could just come back to patch his or her wounds and take you for granted again. What role are they going to play? Very hard, traumatic at times. He was enraged and hurt me by yelling at me in anger and with the things he'd said. Some couples break up in the heat of the moment for ridiculous reasons. Anyway I replied nicely and she was surprised I wanted to even speak to her. Here are ten reasons why exes reach out years later. Hanging Out With An Ex While In A Relationship. Dont let your ex pull the strings on you just for the sake of finding closure. Instead of overthinking about what they might want, you should focus on where you stand in this whole situation. This is considered breadcrumbing as he was concerned about your health. Outside the bedroom, you werent compatible at all. Its not helpful, though, to go into any reconnection with too many expectations. Any normal ex would respect the life youve built for yourself and keep it moving. My breakup recovery method for men combines science, first-hand . While I was in I met my now ex while she was going to college, we really hit it off and dated for 3 years. I could tell knowing the truth was a huge weight off his mind. In my opinion, love is love whether its platonic or intimate, in the end the outcome effect can be the same. It seems that her anxiety or whatever she felt disappeared when she started talking to you again. These details seem very random, especially when she would send me this out of the blue after so long. Secondly, it also gives us evidence that . I did the same thing with my ex - apologized for my abusive behavior toward him in the past and made it clear I wasn't looking for anything else from him. Easy Ways to Respond when He Finally Reaches Out: 11 Steps - WikiHow He even tried to call and make the appointment for me. It's a theme in literature, film, TV shows even in the way products are marketed. There are some things only you know about your partner. If your ex wants something from you, your ex will directly or indirectly point it out. I should mention that we both agreed it was for the best. It felt good verifying that intuition. You DO NOT have to maintain a protocol, thinking that itll be too rude to not reply. I assumed she didnt want to contact me and vice-versa. And continue, saying "You are now happily married, well settled in your life and you would appreciate if he keeps the past as a history. Tell them that your ex is trying to reach you. Even me avoiding texting her, I feel all my time healing has gone to waste, I feel a little depressed again all just because shes back in my life and in my mind. But do it because you want to re-connect from where you are now in your life, not expecting to re-connect in a way that doesn't reflect the ways in which you may have changed and grown over time. So, depending on that, choose if you want to keep any contact with your ex. If the dumper realizes your worth, he or she could learn to respect you again and make you into the most valuable person in his or her life. 12 Things To Remember When You Run Into Your Ex, 7 Unspoken Boundaries For Being Friends With An Ex. However to say a rocky marriage would be an understatement. Will defo not repy if he decides to reach out again! Suzanne Degges-White, Ph.D., is a licensed counselor and professor at Northern Illinois University. I haven't reached out because I think he's married. Turns out she was in a 12 step program and got to the step where she was supposed to make up with those she'd done wrong in the past. Related Reading: 9 Reasons You Miss Your Ex And 5 Things You Can Do About It. When reuniting, theyve matured and understand what it takes to make a relationship work. If it was a nasty breakup and you still have some resentment toward this person, you will have to fight the urge to not curse them out loud. If your ex is single and all their friends are dating, they may go through periods of loneliness where they desperately need to speak to someone. You dont need to reply if you dont want to (things could get out of hand). I read it and deleted it without responding. Politely rejecting his invitation to meet up was mature and respectful to all parties involved. Several reasons exes may contact you are below. They do whatever it takes to reconnect with an ex because their ex can make them feel better. And I think it's natural for some people to want to. A host of questions must be bothering you to the core: Why do exes come back after leaving for someone else? They are not trying to rekindle the relationship or become friends. Life can be so cruel at times as she was the love of my life and my heart never let me forget her. His entire purpose was to find out truth from me. That something may not necessarily be what you may have been hoping for, but its something only you have. Your ex wasnt committed to coming back. You slipped back into a temporary depression, but this wont last long. If they have written, Hey! CNBC recently reported that 80% of active fund managers are falling behind the major indexes. If we cross paths I will thank her otherwise I am letting this one go. Getting back together with an ex years later is possible. How have you been?, dont conclude that the nasty text they sent to you while breaking up meant nothing, and that they want to get back together. When your ex reached out, your ex was focusing solely on the present moment and merely wanted your understanding, reassurance, encouragement, and compassion. I'm Sorry for What Happened His email said that he'd had some things on his mind. When your ex reaches out after a long period of time, odds are they've changed. As youve read, its the norm for people to get back together after theyve been broken up for years. Programs. The only reason your ex is trying tore-establish contactis that they need some advice about a serious issue theyre having. But ultimately, she wanted me to know that she feels bad for how mean she was to me when we broke up. Truth be told, seeing your ex gallivanting around happily after your breakup isnt what anyone wants. He sent me another not long after, again I read it and deleted it. Dont make up stories when your partner asks you, Why would an ex contact you years later? Be honest and tell them the truth about what your ex has texted you. We dont often think about emotional labor as work, but it IS indeed work. You and your ex may not be friends on social media, but theyve managed to gain access to your page, and they know all about the wonderful life youre living without them. After no contact doesn't mean that your ex reaches out after 30, 35, 60, or any number of days. If you have a partner, think of them as well. You are following it religiously cutting off all contact with your ex. My ex and I are talking again, can this lead to something more complicated? To handle an ex coming back with dignity, you should ponder on all the probable scenarios to stay a step ahead of them. His or her inquiries, requests, or demands, as well as the approach and attitude your ex chooses will soon reveal why your ex contacted you after so many years. When an ex contacts you years later, just seeing their name pop up on your phones screen is going to set off fireworks in your brain. I guess, theoretically, the other person could help you find closure but they don't need to do that, and asking them to do that is a big and (possibly) inappropriate task to put upon an ex. He studied at the University of Amsterdam and has a bachelor's in Clinical Psychology. I'm ashamed to say I panicked and hid. After reading his message im not sure if I should reply. The moment you hear from your ex, you probably wont know what your ex wants from you. But theyre really hoping that youll end up in bed together. As mentioned, they may just be contacting you to see how you are. Your mentality has changed, and things are not how they used to be. Why Did My Ex Reach Out To Me If They Broke Up With Me? - letsmend.com